CoVID-19 – day 58

I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s a mixture of personal fears, conflicts and regrets, general apprehension over what the future holds for us all and juggling current commitments. I know the fear of being insignificant is common — the sense of being dispensable and that things would carry on undisrupted were we to be out of the loop.

it’s ok to give ourselves a break even if the whole day feels like an extended teabreak

The reality looks like this fear is valid because life doesn’t, and shouldn’t, depend on us being the link that binds everything together. However the shape of things is impacted by each one of us, including our struggle to be noticed and appreciated. Our egos demand that we be noticed but we add a layer of unnecessary complexity when we push beyond being unique and insist on being extra significant. Social media reinforces this by rewarding us with likes and reactions or making us feel inadequate when what others have written goes viral for no discernible reason. It feeds on our neuroses and insecurities and gives us that dopamine rush which encourages more of the same.

I’m conscious that I’ve written from the perspective of being a little divorced from the worst of this crisis as none of my friends or relations has died or been seriously infected with the coronavirus. The feeling of just being a statistic must haunt many who lose their loved ones and I’m loathe to try and explain something I have no experience of. Nor would I want to claim a parallel experience in which the consequences are less dire. However there is no need to gate crash the lives of those hit most badly to share the sadness and grief and work through my own feelings and experiences.

It feels crowded out there. Yes we are social distancing but for those of us engaging in these Zoom meetings we are sharing our living spaces much more than we are used to and we should recognise the mental adjustment this requires as we occupy the same physical space in many unfamiliar contexts.

I don’t know why but hearing the rain compounded my feelings. I felt very tired yesterday and there was much for me to process including detailed computer work that drained my batteries. Going into the day I feel more positive but mindful of how fragile this strange time can make us and that it’s ok to give ourselves a break even if the whole day feels like an extended teabreak.