If I’d written one of these diary pages a week this would be my year end. If I’d written all of them back to back I’d have spent 2 working weeks unpaid (bar a few cents). I can’t remember why I started writing these and I’m not sure what the purpose is now - I just feel some kind of obligation to continue.

I’m a string writer, i.e. I start from a beginning and follow the thread to its conclusion. I find it difficult working in a more conventionally structured fashion (not technically difficult but in terms of creativity). It tends to feel mechanical and I’m just not so good at overtly structured thinking - I guess it’s down to the way my brain’s wired.

its the persistence of the water rather than the resistance of the rock that wins in the end

I guess for many of us the wiring is beginning to show which is both positive and negative. It can be disturbing and distracting to hear the dull hum as power travels through the circuit. Taking exercise breaks not only allows us to stretch our muscles but to distract us from the background noise and give us a mental break that simply sitting quietly doesn’t (if you even get chance to sit quietly).

Some deal with this by shorting the circuit, taking the path of least resistance in the hope that the hum will be silenced. Of course it can’t but this is a way of coping. This is a source of frustration for me but it’s just another aspect of the situation I need to come to terms with. Insisting others listen to the drone is presumptive even if it’s well meant. My fear is that we will dream walk into the dystopia that awaits us but maybe that’s inescapable and only wishful thinking on my part that the herd can steered through another canyon.

Perhaps this is a curse of political activism, a kind of nerdy obsession to analyse everything against a political or ideological framework. When you think in strings like I do it’s important not to lose the thread. I’m also literally obsessed with knots, finding satisfaction in undoing ones that stubbornly refuse to be undone. You begin by pushing and pulling the windings even though progress is imperceptible. Like watching water running over rocks gives the impression of perpetual resistance to change, its the persistence of the water rather than the resistance of the rock that wins in the end.

I’m beyond angry at what has transpired over the last 3 months and the apparent resistance to the challenge of evidence. In reality the rocks have been in place for millennia, what we face is not fundamentally new. Behind the facade are the same stubborn knots we’ve been pushing against for a decade or more and though we’ve pushed some of the knots to the point where they have been loosened enough to untie, others have been freshly tied and tightened.

Life is knotty and though we strive for a rope free of them it’s important not to see the struggle as persistent but transitional. The knots might look the same, some will seem set forever but ultimately resistance is futile.