CoVID-19 Diary – Week 16

I’ve not been sitting out the lockdown but I’ve not been as productive as I should have been and life is stacking up. It’s a situation we all believe is peculiar to us yet is surprisingly common — surprisingly because we all assume everyone else has it together. Yet of course it’s common because we all hide our internal contradictions and irrational behaviour. And it’s not just because of shame. Why would I want to be constantly faced with your dysfunction?

We can all identify with the scatty character on TV or film who clumsily navigates through the clutter that dogs their life and is largely down to their lack of objectivity. The friend who shares their struggle with missing socks and misplaced keys gets knowing looks and the “don’t we all” agreements. But even as you brave the labyrinths of your neurosis drawer it feels like your deeper and darker secrets consistently get dismissed as common. Standing on a bridge and feeling drawn to throw yourself off is not uncommon; neither does it indicate suicidal tendencies. The truth is that many of the things that concern us are not that difficult to fix and while the anxiety may be real, to amplify that anxiety rather than appraise it honestly is not healthy.

The kiss on the knee of your 4 year old is largely a distraction. It doesn’t address the overblown or non existent injury, it simply demonstrates that you care. You are not teaching them that you have powers of healing, just that their concerns are your concerns. It’s not unhealthy for your child to make such a fuss over something so trivial, it’s a confirmation you are invested in every concern they have. They will soon began to filter what bothers them rather than burden you with every triviality, as they begin to take responsibility for their life, but they still need to know that your door is always open and the kiss is still available, albeit manifesting differently.

As an adult yourself, you need to learn to kiss your own knee. You can pretend that you relate to yourself as an adult when your behaviour clearly demonstrates that all too often you approach problems like a child. Repeatedly beating yourself up for your indiscretions becomes self abuse. There’s a constant tension between insisting on being responsible and recognising that your instinct is to suck your proverbial thumb and seek out your favourite toy. It doesn’t help when you condemn others for acting irresponsibly when you know by the grace of god…

One of the problems we face at times like these is that it’s difficult grab time out. When you go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4.30 you begin to feel like life is a hamster wheel. Many of us spend more time than is healthy on the internet and while we want simple answers to put our concerns to bed but all we are faced with are more questions. Ideally we would separate our personal and public lives but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find the dividing line.

Taking on the world’s worries is difficult at the best of times but it now feels compulsory. No wonder people settle for simplistic answers and seek to place the blame on the poor behaviour of others like themselves. Pinning the blame on politicians can be a fun activity but it’s like a cat following a spot of light. You need to be able to pin it on a slowly moving or static object you can relate to.

The lockdown has made time feel boundless but that’s only because the markers are absent. The true concerns are still there alongside our irrational worries but the lines are blurred. It’s like we are still getting the “there there” but without the kiss. I know it’s not going to be all better but I still need the distractions and the reassurance that I matter, that I am not going mad and that I still exist.

I am not so much an afraid person as a frayed human being.